I have spent the last few days trying to figure out how to write this in a way that won’t (and hopefully doesn’t) come off as me venting or ranting or giving off a ‘woe is me’ vibe for the purpose of attention.
Because that is not my intent here.
Here is where I write out my thoughts and what I’m going through in the hopes that any conclusions (if there are any) will help others, maybe even myself, or that someone out there reading this has or is going through the same thing.
But like so many things in life, it’s hard. It’s hard to restrain myself from just typing whatever comes to mind in regards to how I’m feeling with no care to how it reads to anyone.
But I learned from one of my best friends that taking that route isn’t a good idea because many of my friends do read this blog and something I write without thinking could unintentionally hurt them. And that is something I never want to do, though recently it has come to my attention that I have done this.
So, with that, let me talk about the first thing: Selfishness
In one of my earlier posts I believe I wrote about me taking the time to be a little selfish, in terms of me focussing on bettering myself. Although that post was about focusing on myself before I could enter into a relationship and put focus on someone else, I believe it still applies to this situation.
It would seem that I have taken being a little selfish and focusing on myself a little too far, where I didn’t fully think about my friends first.
This brings me to the second point: Screw-ups
I found and was told that I was being really selfish. To the point where I told my friends I wouldn’t partake in a secret santa gift exchange with a $20 limit. I am disappointed in myself. Again, one of my best friends, finally pointed out to me that it doesn’t seem exactly right that I wouldn’t do the gift exchange when I’m talking about getting a personal trainer and that I have a lot of money saved up.
I am a naturally frugal person and with it being holiday season, all the money that I was figuring out that I was going to be spending, plus two birthdays, made me a little anxious. But I don’t think it really justifies my decision about the secret santa; a decision that hurt my friends and then myself. I can only hope that this turns around and I’ll be forgiven. And I know I have a lot of ‘fixing’, for lack of a better word at the moment, of my behavior.
Which brings me my third and last point: Struggles
I finally ended up on the phone with my best friend. That phone call sucked. One, because I hadn’t cried in so long and I forgot how hard it was to hold back tears. But it sucked mostly because, as I sat in one of my favorite comfy chairs with the sun streaming through the window, I was hearing my best friend tell me that she was worried about me, I haven’t really been the same in the last several months, I wasn’t that positive anymore, and lately she wasn’t even sure how to communicate with me anymore.
I’m glad that she told me, though it doesn’t make it easy to hear.
I thought that I was doing so much better, that I seemed okay and happier since moving back home. I think that I was happier when I moved back home, but now I see that maybe it didn’t stay that way.
I think that I found myself content with my situation and told myself that what I was gaining with living at home and working in Southern California was worth it, even if I couldn’t be near my other friends, who I really miss. I’m not saying that I don’t like my friends near me, but they have many things going on in their own lives – work, school, other friends, significant others, etc. that may not leave a lot of time open. (The other side of that is that I need to work on going to them instead of them coming to me).
I didn’t realize my behavior and mood changed again. Or maybe it didn’t get better in the first place? I just wish it was easier to figure this all out, to be happier, to be content, to be more positive. I just don’t want this problem or issue or feeling to come up again.
But I honestly am not sure what it is I’m really feeling. And that sucks and makes it harder. Great.
To end this on a little of a better note, I just want to say thanks to all my friends and family, I am really glad I have you in my life.