Paralysis

At this moment (as I was writing this), I really really just want to break down. You know, the whole curl up and cry your eyes out – so much you find yourself gasping for air. Probably the ugly kind of cry.

The moment before this one, I found myself paralyzed at my desk, staring at my computer trying to will my mind to just stop. To just be silent and go back to when you weren’t thinking about the future – one month from now to several years’ future stuff.

benjaminheath_winterroad

For the last hour I have had to stop, close my eyes, and just breathe. I don’t know if it’s helping yet. For this last hour, I have also been searching my mind on how this snuck up on me and completely threw me to the point of literally not moving at my desk for what seemed liked a couple hours, but in reality was probably fifteen minutes. I hope.

Just breathe, that’s all I need to focus on. Just breathe, do your work, and leave. Only four hours left in the day. Just breathe.

In therapy last week, she had me write out my goals for the next week, month, year, and five years. For the week goal, mine was to stop worrying and overthinking (and probably obsessing) over my HR classes; should I continue with them or not, do I want to continue, and do I even want to be in HR.

Well, I failed miserably at that goal since today marks the end of that ‘week’.

I realize now that this paralysis came out of nowhere because somewhere in the back of my head, sneakily, I thought about the two conversations that I had this past weekend during a family day on Saturday. Someone asked me how my classes were going and my response – like it has been the several other times I’ve been asked this same question – was “it’s going.” As you can imagine, I didn’t say it very enthusiastically. I was telling them this and how I’m not sure anymore if I want to continue. Someone reacted with a “what?” Later, I was talking to someone else (who wasn’t a part of the first conversation) about my classes and I said the same thing, about how I feel like I am just going through the motions of the class, how I’m not sure if I want to actually be in HR, and how none of the classes and content really clicked with me. He responded with, “Isn’t that how it is though? You don’t really know if it’ll work until you’re actually in the environment where the work is done.” I responded with a weak, “Yeah, I guess so”, and the conversation ended.

I realized that those close to me give me a lot of great advice and their opinions on this matter and my future in general, but I simply don’t know what to do with it all. Everyone has something different to say and they all matter to me; most of them are older than me, so I ask myself, should I always listen? Do I take everything to heart and calculate it all into my decision? Should I? What would happen if I didn’t? Does it ultimately matter?

colerise_OR

Something else my therapist asked me to do was to pretend that one of my close friends was coming to me for advice on a similar matter. They entered grad school for something that they realized after a semester wasn’t something that they are really interest in, it was more his family thought it would be a good fit for him. My therapist asked me what I would I tell him, what advice would I give?

I said that he should talk to his parents, let them know what it is you’re feeling and thinking. You need to go with your gut and what it’s telling you.

For some reason, I’m having a hard time practicing what I’m preaching.

I just can’t stop thinking about what everyone is going to think and say and how they’re going to react. Like everyone else, the last thing I want to do is disappoint – including myself.

There is a war raging inside of me with no end in sight. There seems to be too many sides fighting – for what I’m not sure I really know – and any solutions are shielded from me, like how an opposing army is shielded by the fog on a battlefield, but you don’t seem them until it’s too late.

I don’t want to find myself standing on that battlefield seeing the “right” choice as the fog clears when it’s too late. But I’m also entirely lost on how to avoid finding myself in that situation down the line.

calm_the_storm quote

I wrote the above narrative on Monday (February 23). I attended my HR class last night, which occurred like usual, but after the class I was walking with the two girls to our cars like usual and I was able to briefly tell them my feelings. I asked them why they were taking the HR classes. One girl said it was because she wanted to get out of her current job and she has done some HR related duties so the classes made sense. The other girl is taking them because by the end of the year, she will be the main HR person (a semi-new position) at her small company. They both said that it could be good to take a quarter off, it’s not like the classes are going anywhere.

I was talking to one of my bosses about it this morning and it was nice because he simply just listened to my concerns in a supportive manner; the girls from my class basically did the same thing.

It’s ultimately my decision and I know that everyone just wants me to be happy, but secure and safe. I will be supported one way or the other. But I’m still paralyzed, with my heart fluttering and stomach twisting in anxiety and impalpable fear. I keep telling myself that the fog will clear and I will be in a place where all these feeling don’t push me on my ass all the time. I will be okay.

But saying and knowing all of these things and even accepting it as truth doesn’t miraculously get rid of these feelings.

I keep telling myself that I just need to remember to breathe and to take it one day at a time. One day at a time until the paralysis starts to clear.

benjaminheath_joshuatree

(Winter Road picture from @colerise Instagram, Grass Road from @colerise Instagram, quote from Pinterest, Joshua Tree Desert from @benjaminheath Instagram)

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2 thoughts on “Paralysis

  1. Hey Nicole, Reading this broke my heart. I wish I had a something great to say, all full of wisdom but I don’t. I personally believe in you and what you decide is best for you is what you need to do. You might disappoint some people but it is your life and you only get one, so live it they way you want to live it. Life is a gift that should be enjoyed. I love you bunches!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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