What if I fall?
Variations of that question has been circling through my head on and off these last couple weeks. Because tomorrow is my last day at my current place of work and next weekend I will start the next chapter, the next adventure of my life.
And it’s scary as f*ck.
Please excuse my french, but I’m still at the surreal stage where it’s not quite real to me yet that I’m packing up my sh*t into my beloved little car and driving out to a new town, in a new state where I know nobody. (Okay, well except my aunt and cousin, but to me they only sort of count.)
Yes, I knew this feeling would eventually start to creep up on me. It backhanded me out of the blue during my first week of college and again when I arrived to my study abroad program a couple years later.
But then I remember – that mixed feeling of loneliness, fear, and a pinch of sadness? It didn’t last forever. Sure, that first time felt like forever (barely two weeks), but everything works out in the end. And yes, it’s a little scarier this time around since I’m not going into a structured environment like college where everyone is in the same boat as me.
But being scared to step out of my comfort zone or to make a big change is not a good enough excuse to not even try.
Because regret sucks. Ultimately, I don’t want to wake up and find myself at a way older stage in my life and suddenly have all these regrets. Before I officially gave notice, I kept thinking if I should push this big move off to a further date. In the back of my mind, I knew that I wasn’t going to stay where I was forever and that I would eventually make the change.
But then I remembered that I turn 26 this year. And then I thought, well if I wait, I’ll be close to 27. Then I knew that if I waited, I would feel like I wasted most of 26th year and that I would have regretted or wished that I had changed. And then maybe I would have just felt more comfortable where I was, which probably would have morphed into a regret later in my life. I thought about moving back to Portland, OR where I knew more people, but I would still wonder about Colorado.
Because if I don’t make this move, I’ll always wonder, what if?
I love the above quote. It’s a little sassy with the response of ‘You are not a tree.’ But this quote really hits me hard because while where I live now, where I grew up, will always have a place in my heart, I simply don’t love it enough to stay. And so the above quote reminds me that I am not a tree and I can easily move if I want to.
Which is exactly what I’m doing in roughly two weeks time.
While I am scared and nervous, I’m also excited to see where this is going to lead me. It may not turn out how I think it’s going to or how I may want it to, but it’ll still be an adventure; it will still bring me memories that I no doubt will always want to have to remember.
Because in the words of Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Life is a journey, not a destination.” It is meant to be lived; memories are meant to be made and enjoyed. Life is an adventure and I intend to do what I can to live it.
I have to remind myself that there is always going to be something that scares me, whether it’s taking some small step or a bigger one; whether it’s a tangible thing or something that manifests itself only in my mind. I know that I will always want to choose what is easy or maybe more accurately choose what is always comfortable to me. But luckily I always end up thinking to myself – how boring is that? To always stay within your comfort zone. I’m not saying that I want to push myself out of my comfort zone so far that I can’t even see the zone anymore, but I definitely want to be able to remember that there were times that I successfully pushed myself out of my comfort zone of my own will and became better for it. I grew because of the experience, regardless if it was all good memories or not.
Because it in response to my own question of What if I fall? I have to remember to answer, But what if I fly?
I decided to do a general babbling post today rather than another Bookish Thought because this idea has been kicking around inside my head trying to find its way out.
I know some of you have commented on previous posts similar to this about making big moves yourself or just big changes in your life, but I am always happy to read more insight from you or just to read tidbits of your own experience. So if you have something you want to share in any way similar to mine right now, I would love to hear it! :)
*All images I found with random search words via Google image search. I apologize for not giving full credit where it is due